Conspiracy Spy Adventure

A few weeks ago, I thought I'd alleviate my boredom by tricking the government into thinking I was an aspiring anarchist. Maybe, just maybe, I'd get involved in some cool conspiracy spy adventure.

I went to the bookstore and bought "Steal This Book," "The Anarchist's Cookbook," even a couple of titles by David Icke, the guy who believes the universe is controlled by reptiles from the lower fourth dimension, or something. I charged these books on my credit card to be certain the feds would find out.

Then yesterday I received the following letter from the U.S. government:

"Dear Mr. Rosewater,

"Thank you for your interest in the United States Government, despite its apparent antagonistic nature.

"Upon review of your file, however, we have decided that your intelligence, charisma, physical strength, and overall competence fall far below the standards of what we would consider a potential threat to national security.

"While we wish you the best in all your future endeavors, we hope you understand that we cannot expend any money or manpower to spy on you at this time.

"Sincerely,

"The Feds."

When I first read the letter, I was sad. But then I realized that they're probably using reverse psychology, and that my conspiracy spy adventure has just begun!

Penguins, Astronauts and Atom Bombs

Download "Charlie Brown," the new Random Computer video, here. It's an epic 2 minutes and 45 seconds that begins with the open road, ends with an atom bomb, and has penguins, astronauts, riots, sexy babes, and more explosions in between. Directed by the brilliant Eric Siegs.

(Your computer may work differently, but on mine, clicking the link downloads the file directly onto the desktop.)

Attack of the Cannibal Pigeons

On a walk this afternoon, I came across a small group of pigeons on the sidewalk, all huddled around something, pecking feverishly.

Upon closer inspection, I saw they were all eating the discarded carcass of a fellow bird. The sight sent me into a panic.

"Run for your lives I tell you!" I screamed as I hurried down the street and away from the horrific feast. "There are cannibal pigeons on the loose!"

Struck with panic similar to my own, my fellow human pedestrians joined me in running down the street and screaming about cannibal pigeons.

Until one member of the mob stopped me and asked, "I'm sorry, did you say 'cannibal pigeons' or 'man-eating pigeons?' "

"Cannibal pigeons!" I yelped. "Bloodthirsty cannibal pigeons!"

"Bloodthirsty they may be," said the curious stranger, "but if they're merely cannibals, then we as humans are in no apparent danger."

"Actually," I said as I started to really think about the situation, "the bird they were eating may have been a chicken, so technically they may not even be cannibals. It would be like humans eating monkeys."

"That's kind of disturbing," said a second pedestrian, "but not so much that we should be screaming and running like imbeciles."

"Although," said a third member of the mob, the lovely and talented Beverly D'Angelo, "in some cultures, monkey is quite the delicacy."

"All apologies," said I. "Sorry to have bothered you all."

"We're only human," said Ms. D'Angelo. "And since we're not monkeys, who's up for some monkey barbecue? I know a great place."

"Hell, I guess it can't hurt to try," said the man who initially found eating monkey disturbing.

An hour later, I enjoyed the third or fourth most delicious monkey I'll ever eat.

Testing the Theory of Time Travel

When I was eight years old, I thought I'd test the theory of time travel by writing the following letter, which would be passed on to future generations of Rosewaters:

"Dear whoever of my relatives are alive when time travel is finally possible,
Please visit me on April 23, 1989 to tell me the good news. I live on 8 Sorrel Hill Court in Dix Hills, New York, USA (Earth).
Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Joseph E. Rosewater"

No one visited me that day, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in time travel anymore. I still have the letter. But I also have a feeling I'm going to lose it one of these days.