From the Public Relations Bureau of The United Bacterial Federation
Found this on my computer screen this morning and don't remember writing it. Drop me a line if anyone's interested in moving to Rigo Buusto - Joe E.
From the Public Relations Bureau of The United Bacterial Federation
Dear Humans,
We regret to inform you that very soon you will suffer a catastrophic plague. In all likelihood, the survivors, all 23 of you, will replace the Bubonic Plague with this coming plague as the plague in your species' history. You must believe that we made this decision with great resignation, after weighing all options and engaging in numerous fervent debates. But the bottom line is, it's you or us.
We should probably start to explain how we bacteria are writing you this letter. It's simple, really. But first you must understand that we know everything your species knows, and more, and we use our knowledge to manipulate our environment, e.g., you, for our best interests.
You may think your species is advanced when it comes to accumulating large amounts of information into very small spaces, then using that information to selfishly alter your surroundings, but remember: we've been doing that for billions of years, and we'll continue to do so for billions of years to come.
In fact, we have evolved to the point where each bacterium can store a virtually infinite amount of information into a receptor millions of times smaller than its body. Even if you tried to find this receptor with one of your microscopes, you wouldn't be able to see it, as it is comprised of matter that is invisible to the human eye. Think of it as ultra-ultra-violet.
Each of our receptors is connected to every single point in the known universe by what we call superfibers- string-like materials billions of times smaller than ourselves. An infinite number of superfibers passes through each point in the universe, and they can transmit information faster than light to any receptor capable of receiving it. At any moment in time, every bacterium knows the atmospheric pressure at the peak of Mount Everest, or the number of quarks between Neptune and Sirius B, or the population of dragonflies in western Brazil, or what Thomas Pynchon is thinking about eating for breakfast.
Though our superfiber network has existed for only the past few thousand years, we have been communicating with each other and manipulating our environment since we were the dominant species in the primordial ooze. In order to reduce cannibalism within our species and expedite migration, we began the experiment of evoultion. We started producing mutant organisms biologically different from ourselves, in both superior and inferior ways. Superior because they were more complex and could travel much faster. Inferior because they would never be able to discover their ultimate purpose: to serve as our food and vehicles.
Our needs have always been more than fulfilled, and until recently, our existence has never been seriously threatened. That is, until your species started evolving.
As a result of some unexplained miscalculations, your species has developed the ability to willfully destroy extraordinarily large numbers of organisms, including us. We now have good reason to believe that you are dangerously close to developing weapons capable of destroying not only all of our species, but most other forms of life on the planet as well.
Though we may boast of our ability to manipulate the forces of nature, we must admit that one thing we could never figure out was how to prevent your species from trashing the place. Think of how you can program your computers to do a million and one things, but occasionally it shuts down without warning and there's nothing you can do about it. Certain bugs you just can't fix; certain mysteries of the universe may never be solved. We must reiterate that if we could correct your species' desire to end life as we know it on this planet, we certainly would. We also pledge to work non-stop to solve your species' dangerous defect until the last possible moment before you end the world, but if our intelligence is accurate, that time is approaching sooner than later.
We should finally tell you how exactly this letter was written. As we mentioned earlier, we often manipulate more complex beings such as yourselves to suit our particular needs. For instance, if we decide we need to infiltrate a certain area, we will chemically alter an organism's psychological state to influence its migration. We created greed, lust, longing, boredom, angst, fear, paranoia, all kinds of desire and stress, all to keep you critters on the move.
Your development of communication technology, albeit far inferior to our superfiber network, has greatly facilitated our ability to mobilize your species. Thus, we have chosen to use your internet to issue the 23 lucky survivors their fair warning.
We took control of a young man while he was unconscious and stimulated his body to type and publish the message you now read. The human in question is Joseph Eliot Rosewater, a relatively smart fellow, but not a great scientific mind. We determined that his Schizopolitan readership consists of 22 people, and like Mr. Rosewater, none of these 22 people, despite being gifted in many ways, possess the scientific knowledge to cause considerable harm to the rest of the planet.
Therefore, Mr. Rosewater and his 22 readers have been chosen as the survivors of the forthcoming plague. There are, however, conditions the survivors must accept:
1. The chosen 23 must relocate to the island of Rigo Buusto, midway between Costa Rica and the Galapagos archipelago. It is currently uninhabited by humans, although its agreeable climate and abundant food supply make it an ideal habitat for your species.
2. Only the chosen 23 will survive the plague, so we suggest they refrain from informing non-Schizopolitan readers, unless of course they'd like to unleash worldwide panic. Besides, anyone not among the chosen 23 will be destroyed, regardless of whether SHe migrates to Rigo Buusto.
3. Once all chosen 23 have reached Rigo Buusto, the plague will occur, unless we are forced to activate the plague sooner.
4. If a chosen survivor fails to arrive at Rigo Buusto before the plague is activated, hir survival may not be guaranteed.
If we can offer any consolation, it is that we have designed the plague to destroy all human hosts instantaneously and painlessly. When the chosen 23 arrive at Rigo Buusto, all bacteria will be notified via the superfiber network, and will simultaneously shut down the central nervous systems of all those infected. Each human selected for destruction has already been infiltrated by our carriers, who lie dormant, awaiting the green light.
We do have faith in your species, which is why we're keeping 23 of you. We sincerely hope that with a more manageable number of your species in a centralized location, it will be easier for us to discover the causes of humankind's apocalyptic instincts and eradicate them. According to our speculation, it shouldn't take longer than 50,000 years.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Sincerely,
The United Bacterial Federation
From the Public Relations Bureau of The United Bacterial Federation
Dear Humans,
We regret to inform you that very soon you will suffer a catastrophic plague. In all likelihood, the survivors, all 23 of you, will replace the Bubonic Plague with this coming plague as the plague in your species' history. You must believe that we made this decision with great resignation, after weighing all options and engaging in numerous fervent debates. But the bottom line is, it's you or us.
We should probably start to explain how we bacteria are writing you this letter. It's simple, really. But first you must understand that we know everything your species knows, and more, and we use our knowledge to manipulate our environment, e.g., you, for our best interests.
You may think your species is advanced when it comes to accumulating large amounts of information into very small spaces, then using that information to selfishly alter your surroundings, but remember: we've been doing that for billions of years, and we'll continue to do so for billions of years to come.
In fact, we have evolved to the point where each bacterium can store a virtually infinite amount of information into a receptor millions of times smaller than its body. Even if you tried to find this receptor with one of your microscopes, you wouldn't be able to see it, as it is comprised of matter that is invisible to the human eye. Think of it as ultra-ultra-violet.
Each of our receptors is connected to every single point in the known universe by what we call superfibers- string-like materials billions of times smaller than ourselves. An infinite number of superfibers passes through each point in the universe, and they can transmit information faster than light to any receptor capable of receiving it. At any moment in time, every bacterium knows the atmospheric pressure at the peak of Mount Everest, or the number of quarks between Neptune and Sirius B, or the population of dragonflies in western Brazil, or what Thomas Pynchon is thinking about eating for breakfast.
Though our superfiber network has existed for only the past few thousand years, we have been communicating with each other and manipulating our environment since we were the dominant species in the primordial ooze. In order to reduce cannibalism within our species and expedite migration, we began the experiment of evoultion. We started producing mutant organisms biologically different from ourselves, in both superior and inferior ways. Superior because they were more complex and could travel much faster. Inferior because they would never be able to discover their ultimate purpose: to serve as our food and vehicles.
Our needs have always been more than fulfilled, and until recently, our existence has never been seriously threatened. That is, until your species started evolving.
As a result of some unexplained miscalculations, your species has developed the ability to willfully destroy extraordinarily large numbers of organisms, including us. We now have good reason to believe that you are dangerously close to developing weapons capable of destroying not only all of our species, but most other forms of life on the planet as well.
Though we may boast of our ability to manipulate the forces of nature, we must admit that one thing we could never figure out was how to prevent your species from trashing the place. Think of how you can program your computers to do a million and one things, but occasionally it shuts down without warning and there's nothing you can do about it. Certain bugs you just can't fix; certain mysteries of the universe may never be solved. We must reiterate that if we could correct your species' desire to end life as we know it on this planet, we certainly would. We also pledge to work non-stop to solve your species' dangerous defect until the last possible moment before you end the world, but if our intelligence is accurate, that time is approaching sooner than later.
We should finally tell you how exactly this letter was written. As we mentioned earlier, we often manipulate more complex beings such as yourselves to suit our particular needs. For instance, if we decide we need to infiltrate a certain area, we will chemically alter an organism's psychological state to influence its migration. We created greed, lust, longing, boredom, angst, fear, paranoia, all kinds of desire and stress, all to keep you critters on the move.
Your development of communication technology, albeit far inferior to our superfiber network, has greatly facilitated our ability to mobilize your species. Thus, we have chosen to use your internet to issue the 23 lucky survivors their fair warning.
We took control of a young man while he was unconscious and stimulated his body to type and publish the message you now read. The human in question is Joseph Eliot Rosewater, a relatively smart fellow, but not a great scientific mind. We determined that his Schizopolitan readership consists of 22 people, and like Mr. Rosewater, none of these 22 people, despite being gifted in many ways, possess the scientific knowledge to cause considerable harm to the rest of the planet.
Therefore, Mr. Rosewater and his 22 readers have been chosen as the survivors of the forthcoming plague. There are, however, conditions the survivors must accept:
1. The chosen 23 must relocate to the island of Rigo Buusto, midway between Costa Rica and the Galapagos archipelago. It is currently uninhabited by humans, although its agreeable climate and abundant food supply make it an ideal habitat for your species.
2. Only the chosen 23 will survive the plague, so we suggest they refrain from informing non-Schizopolitan readers, unless of course they'd like to unleash worldwide panic. Besides, anyone not among the chosen 23 will be destroyed, regardless of whether SHe migrates to Rigo Buusto.
3. Once all chosen 23 have reached Rigo Buusto, the plague will occur, unless we are forced to activate the plague sooner.
4. If a chosen survivor fails to arrive at Rigo Buusto before the plague is activated, hir survival may not be guaranteed.
If we can offer any consolation, it is that we have designed the plague to destroy all human hosts instantaneously and painlessly. When the chosen 23 arrive at Rigo Buusto, all bacteria will be notified via the superfiber network, and will simultaneously shut down the central nervous systems of all those infected. Each human selected for destruction has already been infiltrated by our carriers, who lie dormant, awaiting the green light.
We do have faith in your species, which is why we're keeping 23 of you. We sincerely hope that with a more manageable number of your species in a centralized location, it will be easier for us to discover the causes of humankind's apocalyptic instincts and eradicate them. According to our speculation, it shouldn't take longer than 50,000 years.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Sincerely,
The United Bacterial Federation
posted by JO'B at 01:49
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