Listboy Presents The Greatest Stories Ever Told (to Me), Volume 1: 13 Tales from the Halloweenish Side
The Schiz is proud to welcome back guest columnist Listboy, who has finally returned to writing for us now that he has read all 4,320 "Best of 2004" lists published by the world's leading pop culture-based magazines last year. In the first volume of what will be his (we hope) regular column, "The Greatest Stories Ever Told (to Me)," he lists the stories that have scared him the most in his eighteen years on this mortal coil... Joe E.
13. "Oh, Susannah!," Traditional folk legend retold by Alvin Schwartz in More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
If you are in elementary school and would like to scare yourself stupid, or are an adult who would like to scare elementary school kids stupid, get your hands on all three volumes of Schwartz's Scary Stories. "Oh, Susannah!" in particular spooked me when I was a little Listboy, especially since I had yet to see the numerous variations of the tale in numerous teen slasher flicks.
The story is, Jane and Susannah are college roommates. Susannah comes home late one night to see the lights out and Jane under the covers. Susannah quietly changes into her pajamas and gets into bed.
Just as Susannah is about to fall asleep, she hears Jane humming the tune to "Oh, Susannah!" Susannah tells Jane she wants to go to sleep and politely asks her to stop humming. Jane doesn't reply but the humming stops and Susannah falls asleep.
A few hours later, she wakes up to hear Jane humming "Oh, Susannah!" again, and again Susannah asks her to stop. Jane doesn't reply and the humming continues. Losing patience, Susannah curtly tells her roommate to cut it out, but the humming continues.
Susannah gets fed up, leaps out of bed and tears the covers off of Jane, only to find that Jane has been decapitated.
Schwartz's Scary Stories books are recommended for ages 9 and up.
12. Tales From the Crypt- Episode 2: "And All Through the House," directed by Robert Zemeckis
The one where a woman kills her husband on Christmas Eve, then as she's burying his body, an escaped mental patient dressed as Santa Claus shows up with an axe. The woman can't call the police because they'll find out she killed her husband, so she fights off the maniac Santa by herself. Just when she thinks Santa is dead, she hears her young daughter say, "Look who I found, mommy! I knew Santa would come," or something to that effect. The woman turns around to see the mental patient standing next to the little girl, clutching his axe and flashing a bloodthirsty, snaggletoothed grin. "Naughty...or Nice?" Santa asks, and we fade to black.
11. Arnold Schwarzenegger's 2003 Gubernatorial Victory
And I pray there's no sequel, because like the Terminator series, the second installment would probably be twice as frightening as the original.
10. Harlan Ellison's Croatoan
A man and his girlfriend decide to have an illegal abortion in their home and flush the fetus down the toilet. Soon after, the girl turns hysterical and demands that her man go down to the sewers to retrieve their aborted kid. I won't spoil the ending, but I'll just say that it nearly scared my pro-choice opinions right out of me.
9. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus
Sure it's flawed, but still quite impressive, considering Ms. Shelley was only a year older than me when she created her legendary monster. She also taught us one of the most important lessons in the history of the horror story: if you're going to re-animate a dead guy, you better also re-animate something for him to fuck, or he will make your life hell.
8. Richard Matheson's I Am Legend
The basis for The Omega Man and Night of the Living Dead follows the last man on Earth after everyone else catches a virus and turns into vampires. While I have much respect and affection for George Romero's Living Dead movies, Legend scares me more for one simple reason: Romero's undead are mindless, slow-moving, flesh-eating machines, but in Matheson's world, if you get caught outside after sundown, you better believe motherfuckers will run to grab a piece of your tasty ass.
7. The White Stripes' cover of Dolly Parton's "Jolene"
There's nothing inherently scary about the lyrics to the song, in which the singer begs the beautiful, irresistible Jolene, "please don't take my man!" The thing about the White Stripes' version (aside from the fact that Jack White doesn't change the genders of the characters, implying that Jolene is breaking up a gay couple) is that when Jack's bloodcurdling shriek kicks in during the chorus, it transcends mere heartbreak, jealousy, desperation and outrage; he sounds like he just might stab Jolene in the goddamn throat if she so much as looks at his man again.
6. George Miller's Babe: Pig in the City
Some people I know were traumatized at a young age by the Oompa-Loompas from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For reasons I have buried into my subconscious, I still have nightmares about talking pigs.
5. William Friedkin's The Exorcist
There isn't much new I can say about this one. The spinning head, the pea-soup vomit, and "The power of Christ compels you!" all made it into the collective consciousness. But I still wonder why "Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!" never became a catch phrase.
4. Stephen King's The Stand, Chapter 35
After a bubonic-like superflu wipes out 99% of humanity in a matter of days, musician Larry Underwood must walk through the Lincoln Tunnel, in the dark, surrounded by an eternal traffic jam of corpse-filled cars and who knows what else. If that weren't creepy enough, I read this chapter while hiding in the desolate Literary Non-Fiction section of the bookstore where I work, thinking I was all alone, then right in the middle of the chapter, my boss- whom I call Fancy Ass, who resembles Rebecca DeMornay in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle but half-Jewish and half-reptilian, who allegedly maced her (now ex-)husband in the middle of the store after he handed her their divorce papers- pops out from behind a bookshelf and snaps, "Don't you have any work to do?" Much more often than not, I'm actually able to sense the chill of her presence several seconds before she can slither into my section and catch me reading on the job, but this time her dreadful aura was overpowered by Stephen King's storytelling.
3. "Bloody Mary," Public Domain, as told by My Sister and Two Older Kids on My Bus When I Was in First Grade
At three o'clock one afternoon many years ago, I ran off my school bus and into my house to warn my mother about Bloody Mary.
"Mom! Don't ever go into the bathroom with the lights off!"
"Why would I go into the bathroom with the lights off?"
"Just don't, because if you do, you'll see Bloody Mary in the mirror and she'll kill you. Two older kids on the bus told me."
My older sister entered the kitchen wanting to know why I was so scared, and I told her.
"That's not what happens," she said.
"Those kids are just trying to scare you," added mom.
"What really happens," my sister continued, "is that you see her in the mirror but only if the lights are out and you close your eyes and say 'Bloody Mary' fifty times, and then you open your eyes and then you see her in the mirror."
"Now your sister's trying to scare you," said mom.
"No it's true," my sister assured us. "She can't kill you, though, cause she's just a ghost. She can only kill you if you get scared to death. It's true, Sam's sister did it once."
"Don't listen to your sister, she's full of it," said mom, and I tried to believe her, even as my sister silently shook her head and smirked, You don't really think she'd tell you the truth, do you?
Later that night, my sister knocked on my bedroom door and asked in a hush if I wanted to see Bloody Mary. She promised me she'd be in the bathroom with me and if I got too scared, she'd turn on the lights and send Bloody Mary back to where she came from. And because I was seven years old, I couldn't resist.
We went into the bathroom, turned off the lights, stood in front of the mirror, I closed my eyes and said "Bloody Mary" fifty times.
When I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror, I saw behind me a shadowy outline of a face with darkness where the eyes and mouth should be. I whimpered for my sister to turn the lights on, but she didn't respond. An instant before I could gather enough wits to scream, I flipped the lightswitch. I soon noticed that Bloody Mary was wearing a Benneton sweatshirt. My sister had stolen one of my werewolf masks and was wearing it inside out so that it looked like a ghoul face.
I soon repeated that prank on a cousin and three of my friends.
2. H.P. Lovecraft's "The Call of Cthulhu"
This gothic tale of mad professors, ancient voodoo cults and enormous demonic blobs from outer space is scary enough in its own right, but it's extra high on my list because I read it during the 20 minutes I had to wait for the results of my HIV test. (By the way, ladies- I'm still negative!)
1. Stanley Kubrick's The Shining
To hell with those other movies where kids can see dead people- this is the grandmotherfucker of them all. Haley Joel Osment's Sixth Sense sissyboy wouldn't last a week in the Overlook Hotel before he pissed himself to death.
13. "Oh, Susannah!," Traditional folk legend retold by Alvin Schwartz in More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
If you are in elementary school and would like to scare yourself stupid, or are an adult who would like to scare elementary school kids stupid, get your hands on all three volumes of Schwartz's Scary Stories. "Oh, Susannah!" in particular spooked me when I was a little Listboy, especially since I had yet to see the numerous variations of the tale in numerous teen slasher flicks.
The story is, Jane and Susannah are college roommates. Susannah comes home late one night to see the lights out and Jane under the covers. Susannah quietly changes into her pajamas and gets into bed.
Just as Susannah is about to fall asleep, she hears Jane humming the tune to "Oh, Susannah!" Susannah tells Jane she wants to go to sleep and politely asks her to stop humming. Jane doesn't reply but the humming stops and Susannah falls asleep.
A few hours later, she wakes up to hear Jane humming "Oh, Susannah!" again, and again Susannah asks her to stop. Jane doesn't reply and the humming continues. Losing patience, Susannah curtly tells her roommate to cut it out, but the humming continues.
Susannah gets fed up, leaps out of bed and tears the covers off of Jane, only to find that Jane has been decapitated.
Schwartz's Scary Stories books are recommended for ages 9 and up.
12. Tales From the Crypt- Episode 2: "And All Through the House," directed by Robert Zemeckis
The one where a woman kills her husband on Christmas Eve, then as she's burying his body, an escaped mental patient dressed as Santa Claus shows up with an axe. The woman can't call the police because they'll find out she killed her husband, so she fights off the maniac Santa by herself. Just when she thinks Santa is dead, she hears her young daughter say, "Look who I found, mommy! I knew Santa would come," or something to that effect. The woman turns around to see the mental patient standing next to the little girl, clutching his axe and flashing a bloodthirsty, snaggletoothed grin. "Naughty...or Nice?" Santa asks, and we fade to black.
11. Arnold Schwarzenegger's 2003 Gubernatorial Victory
And I pray there's no sequel, because like the Terminator series, the second installment would probably be twice as frightening as the original.
10. Harlan Ellison's Croatoan
A man and his girlfriend decide to have an illegal abortion in their home and flush the fetus down the toilet. Soon after, the girl turns hysterical and demands that her man go down to the sewers to retrieve their aborted kid. I won't spoil the ending, but I'll just say that it nearly scared my pro-choice opinions right out of me.
9. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus
Sure it's flawed, but still quite impressive, considering Ms. Shelley was only a year older than me when she created her legendary monster. She also taught us one of the most important lessons in the history of the horror story: if you're going to re-animate a dead guy, you better also re-animate something for him to fuck, or he will make your life hell.
8. Richard Matheson's I Am Legend
The basis for The Omega Man and Night of the Living Dead follows the last man on Earth after everyone else catches a virus and turns into vampires. While I have much respect and affection for George Romero's Living Dead movies, Legend scares me more for one simple reason: Romero's undead are mindless, slow-moving, flesh-eating machines, but in Matheson's world, if you get caught outside after sundown, you better believe motherfuckers will run to grab a piece of your tasty ass.
7. The White Stripes' cover of Dolly Parton's "Jolene"
There's nothing inherently scary about the lyrics to the song, in which the singer begs the beautiful, irresistible Jolene, "please don't take my man!" The thing about the White Stripes' version (aside from the fact that Jack White doesn't change the genders of the characters, implying that Jolene is breaking up a gay couple) is that when Jack's bloodcurdling shriek kicks in during the chorus, it transcends mere heartbreak, jealousy, desperation and outrage; he sounds like he just might stab Jolene in the goddamn throat if she so much as looks at his man again.
6. George Miller's Babe: Pig in the City
Some people I know were traumatized at a young age by the Oompa-Loompas from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. For reasons I have buried into my subconscious, I still have nightmares about talking pigs.
5. William Friedkin's The Exorcist
There isn't much new I can say about this one. The spinning head, the pea-soup vomit, and "The power of Christ compels you!" all made it into the collective consciousness. But I still wonder why "Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!" never became a catch phrase.
4. Stephen King's The Stand, Chapter 35
After a bubonic-like superflu wipes out 99% of humanity in a matter of days, musician Larry Underwood must walk through the Lincoln Tunnel, in the dark, surrounded by an eternal traffic jam of corpse-filled cars and who knows what else. If that weren't creepy enough, I read this chapter while hiding in the desolate Literary Non-Fiction section of the bookstore where I work, thinking I was all alone, then right in the middle of the chapter, my boss- whom I call Fancy Ass, who resembles Rebecca DeMornay in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle but half-Jewish and half-reptilian, who allegedly maced her (now ex-)husband in the middle of the store after he handed her their divorce papers- pops out from behind a bookshelf and snaps, "Don't you have any work to do?" Much more often than not, I'm actually able to sense the chill of her presence several seconds before she can slither into my section and catch me reading on the job, but this time her dreadful aura was overpowered by Stephen King's storytelling.
3. "Bloody Mary," Public Domain, as told by My Sister and Two Older Kids on My Bus When I Was in First Grade
At three o'clock one afternoon many years ago, I ran off my school bus and into my house to warn my mother about Bloody Mary.
"Mom! Don't ever go into the bathroom with the lights off!"
"Why would I go into the bathroom with the lights off?"
"Just don't, because if you do, you'll see Bloody Mary in the mirror and she'll kill you. Two older kids on the bus told me."
My older sister entered the kitchen wanting to know why I was so scared, and I told her.
"That's not what happens," she said.
"Those kids are just trying to scare you," added mom.
"What really happens," my sister continued, "is that you see her in the mirror but only if the lights are out and you close your eyes and say 'Bloody Mary' fifty times, and then you open your eyes and then you see her in the mirror."
"Now your sister's trying to scare you," said mom.
"No it's true," my sister assured us. "She can't kill you, though, cause she's just a ghost. She can only kill you if you get scared to death. It's true, Sam's sister did it once."
"Don't listen to your sister, she's full of it," said mom, and I tried to believe her, even as my sister silently shook her head and smirked, You don't really think she'd tell you the truth, do you?
Later that night, my sister knocked on my bedroom door and asked in a hush if I wanted to see Bloody Mary. She promised me she'd be in the bathroom with me and if I got too scared, she'd turn on the lights and send Bloody Mary back to where she came from. And because I was seven years old, I couldn't resist.
We went into the bathroom, turned off the lights, stood in front of the mirror, I closed my eyes and said "Bloody Mary" fifty times.
When I opened my eyes and looked in the mirror, I saw behind me a shadowy outline of a face with darkness where the eyes and mouth should be. I whimpered for my sister to turn the lights on, but she didn't respond. An instant before I could gather enough wits to scream, I flipped the lightswitch. I soon noticed that Bloody Mary was wearing a Benneton sweatshirt. My sister had stolen one of my werewolf masks and was wearing it inside out so that it looked like a ghoul face.
I soon repeated that prank on a cousin and three of my friends.
2. H.P. Lovecraft's "The Call of Cthulhu"
This gothic tale of mad professors, ancient voodoo cults and enormous demonic blobs from outer space is scary enough in its own right, but it's extra high on my list because I read it during the 20 minutes I had to wait for the results of my HIV test. (By the way, ladies- I'm still negative!)
1. Stanley Kubrick's The Shining
To hell with those other movies where kids can see dead people- this is the grandmotherfucker of them all. Haley Joel Osment's Sixth Sense sissyboy wouldn't last a week in the Overlook Hotel before he pissed himself to death.
posted by JO'B at 02:49
3 Comments:
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Dear Listboy:
Have you never seen/read Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Suspiria, Cannibal Holocaust, Silence of the Lambs, Dracula, Nosferatu, Halloween, House of Leaves, Psycho, Alien, Night of the Hunter, El Topo, Dead Ringers, Eraserhead or anything by Edgar Allan Poe?
Curious,
Listcritic
Listboy Responds:
What up Listcritic. Long time no flap.
In response to your question, no, no, no, yes, yes, no, no, yes, yes, no, yes, yes, yes, no and quite a bit. I'm sure they're all very scary, it's just that I can only think of so many when they give me twenty-minute deadlines.
Til next time,
Listboy
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